THE PARADOX OF LOVE: The more you try to get others to love you, the more unloved you feel.

Have you ever noticed how the people who seem most desperate for love often struggle the most to find it? This isn’t a coincidence—it’s a paradox that’s woven into the fabric of human connection.

This paradox shows up everywhere. When you carefully craft a perfect image to appear lovable, you secretly feel more unworthy beneath the mask. When you exhaust yourself pleasing others hoping they’ll validate you in return, you end up feeling less accepted than before. When you strategically love others expecting equal love in return, you’re left feeling empty-handed and empty-hearted.

As Paulo Coelho wisely observed, when you go looking for love with expectations attached, you’re wasting your time.

The Paradox of Love: Why Seeking Other's Approval Leaves You Feeling Unloved

The Love Paradox Hiding in Plain Sight

As a coach, I’ve watched this paradox play out in everyone from CEOs to spiritual leaders, from celebrities to the person next door. The desire to be loved is universal—and so is the counterproductive strategy most of us employ to get it.

The research confirms what we intuitively know. Studies in relationship psychology show that people who approach connections with an agenda of gaining love or approval experience significantly lower relationship satisfaction. Meanwhile, those who connect authentically—without manipulation—report deeper bonds and greater fulfillment.

I notice the paradox at work in me when:

• I laugh at someone’s joke hoping they’ll like me, even when I don’t find it funny
• I maintain a confident exterior while internally questioning if I’m good enough
• I check social media for validation, only to feel emptier with each scroll
• I hide my vulnerabilities behind a mask of strength or achievement
• I give extravagantly to others while secretly hoping they’ll notice and reciprocate

The mechanics of this paradox are straightforward but devastating. The more desperately you seek love and validation from others, the deeper your internal sense of unworthiness grows.

The Vicious Cycle This Paradox Creates

What makes this paradox particularly insidious is the self-perpetuating cycle it creates:

The more unloved you feel, the harder you try to earn love and approval. The harder you try, the more unloved you feel. And with each repetition, the cycle gains momentum. This is not just emotionally exhausting—it’s spiritually depleting.

I’ve watched intelligent, capable people become trapped in this cycle for decades, constantly shape-shifting to please others while growing increasingly disconnected from themselves. With each attempt to bridge the gap, they actually widen it.

What makes this cycle so difficult to break is that it operates largely outside our awareness. The majority of us don’t see the pattern—we only feel the pain and redouble our efforts to escape it, unwittingly tightening the very same trap we’re trying to escape.

Why The Paradox of Love Is So Powerful

This paradox persists because it’s built on a fundamental misunderstanding about how human connection works.

From early childhood, we learn that love is conditional—behave well, achieve success, look attractive, and you’ll be worthy of love and affection. This conditioning runs deep. By adulthood, we’ve internalized the belief that our worthiness is something we must earn rather than something we inherently possess.

Let that sink in for a moment.

The brain’s negativity bias compounds the problem. Research in neuroscience shows we’re wired to remember criticism more vividly than praise. This means that no matter how much approval you receive, without addressing your core beliefs, you remain psychologically hungry.

Here’s why this matters: When you seek love to fill an inner void of unworthiness, that very seeking deepens the void you’re trying to fill. And this often triggers a vicious cycle—the more unloved you feel, the harder you try to be lovable, which only intensifies your feelings of unworthiness.

The Way Out: Truth as the Doorway

Jesus the Christ once said, “The truth shall set you free.” The antidote to the paradox is realigning yourself with the ultimate truth that your worthiness is something you were born with and there’s nothing you need to do in order to earn it. Therefore, revealing your true self—not as a technique to get more love, but as a fundamental way of being in the world, is the doorway to your liberation.

Here’s why this works: When you reveal your true self—including the parts you’ve disowned or deemed unlovable—you accomplish two critical things. First, you bring healing to those hidden aspects of yourself. Second, you create space for genuine connection rather than the shallow approval you’ve been chasing.

Try this: In your next meaningful conversation, share something you’d normally keep hidden. Not as a strategy, but as an experiment in authenticity. Notice what happens in your heart when you stop managing others’ perceptions and simply allow yourself to be seen.

The research supports this approach. Studies on vulnerability show that authentic self-disclosure creates stronger bonds than presenting a curated image, even when that authentic self includes flaws and struggles.

The Three Paradoxical Truths About Love

Through years of helping people navigate this complex territory, I’ve discovered three counterintuitive principles that transform our ability to give and receive love:

1. Seeking love externally deepens your feelings of unworthiness

The more you rely on others’ approval to feel worthy, the less worthy you inevitably feel. This paradox creates an insatiable hunger that no amount of external validation can satisfy.

Place a hand on your heart and ask yourself: “Am I chasing love to feel complete, or expressing love from a place of wholeness?”

2. The more you embrace your unlovable parts, the more lovable you become

We exhaust ourselves hiding the aspects we believe make us unworthy. Yet these same aspects—our vulnerabilities, insecurities, and imperfections—are what make authentic connection possible.

A spiritual leader I worked with confessed: “I’ve spent decades teaching others about unconditional love while secretly believing I was unlovable. The day I shared my deepest shame with my community was the day I finally felt their love was real.”

3. The more you love without expectation, the less unloved you feel

When you give love as a transaction—expecting validation, approval, or love in return—you remain trapped in the paradox. True freedom comes when you love for the sake of love itself, expressing your nature, not to get something back.

Try this: Choose one relationship and commit to loving that person without requiring evidence of their love in return. Notice how this simple shift transforms not just the relationship, but the feeling in your own heart over time.

The Practical Path Forward

Moving beyond the paradox of love isn’t about learning new techniques—it’s about unlearning the conditional patterns that have shaped your approach to love and relationships.

Here are three practical steps to help you begin this journey:

1. Start with radical self-acceptance

The parts of yourself you’re most afraid to reveal are precisely the parts that make deep connection possible. Your vulnerability, imperfection, and humanity aren’t obstacles to being loved—they’re the bridge.

Before others can truly love you, you must make peace with all that you are. This isn’t about positive thinking—it’s about honest reckoning with both your light and shadow aspects.

In the quiet of your heart, ask yourself: “What parts of me am I still hiding, even from myself?” Then, listen to my guided meditation on Radical Self Love:

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2. Give authentically, without strategic intent

When you give love to get love, you remain trapped in the cycle. True freedom comes when you give love as an expression of your nature rather than a strategy to secure something in return.

This doesn’t mean becoming a doormat. Rather, it means distinguishing between loving actions that come from wholeness versus those that come from fear of rejection.

Examine your giving patterns. Are you giving to get? Are your acts of love investments expecting returns? Practice giving solely for the joy of giving and contributing to others.

The research shows that altruistic giving—without expectation of return—creates significantly more happiness than strategic generosity.

3. Reveal yourself gradually but courageously

The parts of yourself you’re working hardest to conceal are creating the very distance you fear. These hidden aspects—whether they’re insecurities, past mistakes, or unmet needs—act as invisible barriers between your authentic self and others. Begin by naming these aspects to yourself, then gradually share them with trusted others.

Authentic connection isn’t built through grand gestures but through consistent small acts of truth-telling. This journey of revelation doesn’t require dramatic confessions—it thrives on thoughtful vulnerability practiced regularly in safe relationships.

Here’s how to begin this practice:

Start with self-acknowledgment: Before sharing with others, create a private inventory of what you typically hide. Is it your fear of inadequacy? Your need for reassurance? The parts of your past that bring shame? Simply naming these aspects to yourself reduces their power.

Choose appropriate contexts: Begin with relationships that already demonstrate acceptance and care. Consider:

• A close friend who has shown consistency in supporting you
• A family member who listens without judgment
• A therapist or coach trained to hold space for vulnerability
• A support group where reciprocal sharing is the norm

Start small but meaningful: Try sharing:

• “I sometimes feel like an impostor when people compliment my work”
• “When I seem distant, it’s usually because I’m afraid of being rejected”
• “I worry that if I don’t achieve certain goals, I won’t be valuable to others”
• “I have a hard time asking for help because I was taught it shows weakness”

Practice reciprocal disclosure: Invite trusted others to share their hidden aspects too. You might say, “I’ve been working on being more authentic lately. Would you be open to a conversation where we both share something we typically keep hidden?”

Notice and process your experience: After sharing, take time to reflect on what happened. Did the connection deepen? Did you feel relief? Were your fears realized or proven unnecessary? This reflection builds your capacity for vulnerability.

Remember, the goal isn’t perfect vulnerability with everyone—it’s authentic connection with those who matter most. As researcher Brené Brown discovered, vulnerability isn’t about oversharing; it’s about intentional disclosure that honors both your need for authenticity and your boundaries.

Final Thoughts

The love you seek externally is already present within you. The approval you chase from others is yours to give yourself. The worthiness you try to earn through achievement is your birthright.

This isn’t spiritual bypassing—it’s the foundation of genuine connection with your true self and with others. When you recognize that you are already whole, your relationships transform from need-based transactions to genuine expressions of your abundantly loving nature.

Close your eyes for a moment and feel into this question:

“If I already had all the love and approval I need, how would I show up differently in my relationships today?”

I’ve watched people transform their most important relationships not by learning new communication techniques or attraction strategies, but by having the courage to be themselves, raw and imperfect, while giving others permission to do the same.

The truth is both simple and challenging: The paradox of love can only be resolved when you love for the sake of loving rather than to fill an inner void.

Hi, I am Gabriel Gonsalves, and I’m still learning to love without agenda, to reveal myself fully, and to embrace all that I am. This journey has no destination, only a continuous unfolding into greater authenticity and deeper connection.

What part of yourself are you ready to bring out of hiding?

From my heart to yours,

—Gabriel

PS. When you're ready, here are several ways I can support you on your journey.
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