Have you ever felt so deeply intertwined with someone that you couldn’t tell where you ended and they began? While many spiritual teachers warn against attachments and entanglements, I’ve discovered something different in my years of coaching—especially when you’ve lost yourself in a relationship: our hearts are designed for connection in all its forms—even the messy ones.

Today, I’m exploring the natural evolution of human relationships—from those first sparks of connection through the deepening phases of attachment and entanglement, to the sometimes painful state of enmeshment where you lose your sense of self. You’ll discover how to recognize where you are on this spectrum, when these dynamics serve your growth, and when they undermine it. Most importantly, you’ll learn practical steps to reclaim your authentic self while maintaining meaningful relationships that honor both togetherness and individuality.

From Connection to Enmeshment: What To Do When You’ve Lost Yourself in a Relationship

The story often unfolds like this…

You meet someone and feel an immediate connection—that unmistakable resonance that makes time stand still.

As days turn to months, you become attached, finding comfort and security in each other’s presence.

Then, almost imperceptibly, you become entangled—your emotions, thoughts, and identities intertwining like roots of neighboring trees.

Eventually, without realizing it, you find yourself enmeshed—no longer able to distinguish where you end and they begin, like milk poured into coffee.

This progression happens so naturally that we rarely notice until we’re struggling to breathe in a relationship that has now become a prison.

While many spiritual teachers, experts, and gurus would like us to believe that getting attached or entangled with someone is not good for you, I disagree.

Just like our physical heart is connected to all major organs through life-giving relationships, attached to the protective pericardium that holds it safely, entangled in an intricate web of veins and arteries that respond to its rhythms, and even enmeshed with the nervous system that can’t function without it—we too are hardwired for all levels of human connection.

The Relationship Spectrum

Connections are how we experience each other through giving and receiving. These initial bonds allow us to know ourselves in relationship to others.

They’re the foundation of our human experience—the spark of recognition, the joy of being seen, the comfort of being understood.

Attachments are connections that, over time, become solidified and deeply ingrained. They provide the security and stability that allow us to grow, experience, and support one another.

A healthy attachment allows both people to feel safe while maintaining their individuality—like two trees growing side by side, roots intermingling but trunks distinct.

Entanglements occur when attachments deepen to the point where your emotional states become interlinked. You begin to feel responsible for each other’s happiness and pain.

These relationships often bring unconscious patterns to light—showing us where we carry wounds, fears, and unexamined beliefs. When navigated consciously, entanglements can bring profound healing and growth.

Enmeshment is the final stage, where boundaries dissolve completely. You can no longer distinguish your thoughts, feelings, and needs from the other person’s.

While appearing as deep closeness from the outside, enmeshment actually prevents true intimacy because it requires the sacrifice of authentic self-expression.

We Are Wired for Connection

The problem is never in being connected, attached, entangled, or enmeshed with another person. We are hardwired for all four.

Without connections, you could not experience yourself or others—we come to know ourselves through the mirror of relationship.

Without attachment to its mother, a child would not develop the secure foundation needed to explore the world with confidence.

Without entanglements, you would never become aware of the unseen forces that connect you to others or discover the wounded aspects of yourself that yearn for healing.

And yes, even enmeshment serves a purpose in our development—forcing us to eventually confront the question of where we end and others begin, teaching us through its discomfort the essential nature of healthy boundaries.

When Healthy Connection Becomes Unhealthy Enmeshment

The progression from connection to attachment to entanglement is natural and necessary. The challenge arises when entanglement slides into enmeshment, and we lose ourselves in the process. Here are a few examples:

• When you mistake other people’s feelings for your own—feeling anxious when they’re anxious, angry when they’re angry, as if you share a single emotional system.
• When you become dependent on other people’s thoughts, feelings, or opinions about you, losing trust in your own inner guidance.
• When you build your life around another person’s life or become the center of theirs, like planets that have fallen into each other’s gravity well.
• When you become so consumed with another person that you lose connection with yourself, your values, and what matters most to you.
• When you find yourself saying “we” instead of “I” in most situations, unable to make decisions without considering the other person first.
• When you put your life and dreams on hold, waiting for another person to change, heal, or behave differently.

I’ve witnessed this countless times in my work—couples who’ve been together for decades where one partner passes away, leaving the other not just grieving the loss of a loved one but fundamentally confused about who they are as an individual.

The healing journey that follows is often about reclaiming a self that was surrendered years ago—learning to stand again on one’s own roots after years of enmeshment.

Breaking Free: What To Do When You’ve Lost Yourself in a Relationship

If you recognize yourself in these patterns of unhealthy attachment, entanglement, or enmeshment, know that reclaiming your individual identity is both possible and profoundly healing. Here are practical steps to begin this journey:

1. Reconnect with your authentic self through daily check-ins

Take time each day to check in with your heart: What am I truly feeling right now? Are these my emotions, or am I absorbing someone else’s? What does my body need in this moment?

This practice may feel foreign at first, especially if you’ve been disconnected from your inner wisdom for years.

Start small—even five minutes of heart-focused breathing can begin to rebuild your self-awareness. Place your hand on your heart, breathe slowly, and simply listen.

Notice any physical sensations that arise when you’re entangled or enmeshed with others: tension in your shoulders, digestive issues, shallow breathing. Your body often recognizes when boundaries have dissolved before your mind does.

2. Rediscover your personal preferences and desires

After years of enmeshment, you might struggle to name what you truly want or enjoy. Begin by exploring simple preferences: What foods do you genuinely like? What music moves you? What activities make your heart sing?

One client of mine realized she’d spent twenty years claiming to love classical music because her husband was a devoted fan. When they separated, she discovered a passion for jazz that had been dormant since college.

These seemingly small reclamations of preference are actually profound steps toward wholeness—each one a thread rewoven into the unique tapestry of your authentic self.

3. Create physical and emotional space

Moving from enmeshment to healthy entanglement doesn’t necessarily mean ending relationships, but it does require creating intentional space between you. This might mean:

• Taking a solo journey that allows you to hear your own thoughts clearly
• Creating a sacred space in your home that belongs only to you
• Setting aside time each week for activities that nourish your individual spirit
• Practicing the phrase “I need some time to sit with that” before automatically agreeing

A mother in one of my heart leadership workshops found that simply taking a different route to work once a week—one that was “just hers”—began to awaken her sense of independent identity after years of living solely as “mom.”

Try this: What small space—physical, emotional, or temporal—can you claim as solely yours this week?

4. Establish clear boundaries

For those who’ve been enmeshed, setting boundaries often triggers intense guilt, anxiety, or fear of abandonment. Start with small, clear boundaries like:

• “I need 30 minutes of heart-centered meditation each evening”
• “I’d prefer to explore my own thoughts about this before discussing it further”
• “I love our connection, but I also need to nurture other relationships in my life”

Remember that healthy boundaries aren’t about rejection—they’re about creating the conditions for genuine intimacy. Without boundaries, true connection becomes impossible because there’s no authentic self to do the connecting.

The heart that knows its own limits can open more fully within them.

5. Practice conscious interdependence

The goal isn’t complete independence but rather interdependence—where two whole people choose to share their lives while honoring each other’s separate journey. This means:

• Celebrating your differences as opportunities for mutual growth
• Supporting each other’s individual paths, even when they diverge
• Recognizing that your joy and fulfillment emerge from within, not from others
• Allowing loved ones to have experiences you don’t share or fully understand

Interdependence honors both connection and separateness—it’s the dance of togetherness where neither partner disappears into the other.

Finding the Balance: Interdependence

The healthiest relationships exist in the sweet spot between connection and separation. Here, two whole people choose to share their lives while maintaining their distinct essence.

In these balanced relationships:

• You honor each other’s differences as doorways to greater understanding
• You use your partner’s contrasting perspectives to expand your own vision
• You maintain healthy boundaries that protect your individual spirit
• You support each other’s growth, even when it creates temporary distance
• You recognize that your partner’s emotions belong to them, not you

This balance doesn’t happen by accident. It requires conscious awareness, regular communication, and the courage to occasionally step back and ask your heart: “Is this relationship helping me become more fully myself, or less?”

Learning From Loss: How Relationships That Consume Us Can Transform Us

Even when relationships become deeply entangled or enmeshed, they can serve as powerful catalysts for awakening. The very patterns that cause suffering also illuminate our deepest wounds and most persistent unconscious beliefs.

When you find yourself losing your sense of self in a relationship, place your hand on your heart and ask:

• What aspect of myself have I abandoned or forgotten?
• What childhood wound might be driving my need to dissolve into another?
• What would it feel like to stand firmly in my truth, even when it differs?
• How is this entanglement or enmeshment inviting me toward greater wholeness?

Remember that even the most painful enmeshments can become your greatest teachers when approached with consciousness and compassion.

The problem begins when you forget who you are and make another person or something outside of yourself the source of your happiness, love, and well-being.

The healing begins when you remember that the true source of joy, love, and well-being lives primarily inside you.

Final Thoughts

Connection, attachment, entanglement, and enmeshment—each has its place in the tapestry of human experience. The question isn’t whether to engage in these forms of relating, but how to do so with awareness and intention.

Like the physical heart that knows precisely how to connect, attach, and entangle with the body’s systems while avoiding harmful enmeshment, your feeling heart too can learn this delicate balance.

The most beautiful relationships aren’t those where two people merge into one—they’re those where two whole people choose to dance together, sometimes close, sometimes apart, always honoring both the connection between them and the sacred space that separates them.

—Gabriel

PS. When you're ready, here are several ways I can support you on your journey.
PPS. One last thing… If someone shared this newsletter with you, you can always subscribe to the newsletter here.