Hello Reader,

Have you ever been completely captivated by someone, only to wonder months later what you ever saw in them? Or perhaps you’ve had the disorienting experience of a partner suddenly claiming you’re not the person they thought you were—even though you haven’t changed?

Most of us have experienced the bewildering moment when the veil drops and we see a relationship clearly for the first time. This jarring awakening often leaves us questioning our judgment, wondering how we could have been so mistaken about someone we thought we knew intimately. In those painful moments, we ask ourselves: “Was any of this real? Did I make it all up?”

I’ve experienced this painful awakening in my own relationships. Years ago, I fell deeply in love with someone I was convinced was my perfect match. I saw depth, wisdom, and emotional maturity in every interaction. When friends gently suggested they noticed concerning patterns, I dismissed their observations as inability to see what I clearly could. Six months later, the fantasy collapsed, and I was left wondering how I’d created such an elaborate illusion around someone who bore little resemblance to my vision of them. I faced the brutal realization: “I did this to myself. I broke my own heart.”

But what if these experiences aren’t failures of perception but examples of one of the most powerful psychological mechanisms shaping our relationships?

Relationship Projection: The Main Reason We Fall in Love With Our Own Reflection

The Hidden Force Behind Our Attractions

Projection isn’t just a psychological concept—it’s a fundamental way humans make sense of the world. The term comes from the Latin “proicere,” meaning “to throw forward.” And that’s exactly what we do: we throw our internal material—hopes, fears, unmet needs, and unfulfilled desires—onto others.

Neuroscience offers compelling evidence for projection’s power. Brain imaging studies show that when we evaluate others, the same neural networks activate as when we think about ourselves—suggesting we literally use our self-knowledge as a template for perceiving others.

Consider these common manifestations:

• You’re intensely drawn to someone you barely know, convinced they’re “the one”
• You see qualities in a partner that others consistently fail to notice
• You believe someone understands you perfectly despite limited evidence
• You experience relationships that start with intense connection but rapidly deteriorate

These experiences often aren’t about genuine connection but about powerful projections creating an illusion of connection.

When the Fantasy Collapses

My understanding of projection deepened after working with a client I’ll call Sarah. She sought coaching following a devastating breakup that left her questioning everything about herself and relationships.

“I don’t understand what happened,” she told me during our first session. “Mark was everything I’d been looking for—sensitive, spiritually aware, deeply committed to growth. We connected instantly, like we’d known each other for lifetimes. Then three months in, it was like a switch flipped. He became distant, critical, emotionally unavailable. It’s like he became a completely different person.”

As we explored her experience, a different story emerged. Mark hadn’t fundamentally changed—Sarah’s perception of him had. In their early interactions, she had unconsciously projected her ideal partner onto him, seeing what she longed for rather than who was actually there. Small cues that aligned with her desires were magnified; contradictory evidence was minimized or ignored entirely.

“But it felt so real,” she insisted. “The connection was undeniable.”

“The feelings were absolutely real,” I acknowledged. “But they were connected to your internal fantasy you projected onto him, not necessarily to Mark himself.”

This led to her most difficult question: “So was any of it real? Did I just make everything up?”

“Your feelings were real,” I told her. “What broke your heart wasn’t losing Mark, but losing the dream you’d created around him.”

This distinction is crucial. Most broken hearts aren’t actually mourning the person, but the fantasy or dream of the perfect life we’d imagined with them. We grieve possibilities that never truly existed outside our imagination.

When we become aware of our tendency to project, we gain the power to distinguish between genuine connection and fantasy. This awareness doesn’t diminish the possibility of love—it creates the conditions for more authentic love to emerge.

Let that sink in.

Our projections don’t help us find love—they prevent us from experiencing the real thing.

Why We Project: The Deeper Needs Behind the Illusion

Projection often springs from:

1. Unhealed childhood wounds: When early caregivers couldn’t meet certain emotional needs, we unconsciously seek those qualities in partners, often projecting them onto people who don’t actually possess them.
2. Disowned parts of ourselves: Qualities we’ve suppressed or rejected in ourselves (vulnerability, power, creativity, anger) are often projected onto others, creating either fascination or repulsion.
3. Cultural and familial blueprints: The stories we absorb about what love should look like create templates we project onto potential partners.
4. Spiritual longing: Our innate desire for transcendent connection and unconditional love can be misdirected into human relationships that cannot possibly fulfill this deeper longing.

Developmental psychology offers strong support for these patterns. Attachment theory research shows we unconsciously seek to repair childhood attachment wounds through adult relationships. Studies of implicit bias demonstrate we often project qualities onto others based on unconscious associations rather than objective reality. This isn’t just anecdotal—it’s well-documented science.

Consider how radically different this view is from our cultural myths about love:

Romantic Culture Says:

• The right person will fulfill your deepest needs
• Instant chemistry indicates compatibility
• Someone exists who will “complete” you
• True love means constant harmony

Spiritual and Psychological Wisdom Teaches:

• Relationships mirror your internal landscape
• Intense attraction often signals projection
• Wholeness must be developed within, not sought from others
• Real intimacy emerges through seeing others as they truly are

Reclaiming Your Projections

There’s a profound difference between unconscious projection and conscious recognition. The first creates illusion and eventual disappointment; the second offers a pathway to both self-knowledge and authentic connection.

A wise mentor once asked me after a painful breakup: “What qualities did you see in your partner that you’re not acknowledging in yourself?” This simple question transformed my understanding. I realized I had been projecting my own creativity and emotional depth onto my partner, falling in love with disowned aspects of myself.

Analytical psychology provides a framework for this transformation. Research demonstrates that our strongest projections often involve our psychological “shadow”—aspects of ourselves we’ve disowned but need to integrate for wholeness. When we consciously recognize projection, we can use it as a map to our own development rather than remaining unconsciously controlled by it.

The transformation came when I began to view my attractions as information rather than imperatives. Strong attraction became a signal to ask: “What am I seeing in this person that feels significant? What might this reveal about my own needs and unacknowledged qualities?”

This transformation appears in small moments throughout daily life:

• Noticing when someone seems extraordinarily perfect or deeply flawed
• Questioning intense emotional reactions that seem disproportionate
• Becoming curious about patterns in your attractions and repulsions
• Distinguishing between the person before you and your internal image of them

When Others Project Onto You

Projection is always a two-way street. Just as you project onto others, you inevitably become the screen for other people’s projections. Learning to recognize when someone is relating to their fantasy of you—rather than who you actually are—is equally important for creating authentic relationships.

In nearly two decades of coaching people from all walks of life, I’ve occasionally encountered situations where clients became infatuated with me, convinced in their hearts that I was their soulmate. What they were experiencing wasn’t personal romantic love, but a case of transference—confusing the spiritual connection of coaching with romantic attachment.

This pattern is well-documented in psychological literature. Transference—the unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another—was first identified by Freud but has been validated by contemporary research. Studies of therapeutic relationships consistently show how clients project unmet emotional needs onto helpers who offer attentive presence. What feels like unique connection is often the activation of attachment patterns established in early development.

This pattern reveals something profound: many people have been in such emotionally disconnected relationships that when they finally experience someone who is fully present with them, truly seeing them without agenda, they mistake this sacred attention for romantic love. They begin weaving fantasies around the person who offered them authentic presence.

You may have experienced being on the receiving end of others’ projections when:

• Someone attributes qualities to you that don’t resonate with your self-understanding
• A new acquaintance feels they “know you completely” after minimal interaction
• Someone becomes disproportionately disappointed by normal human limitations you display
• You sense someone is relating to an idealized version of you rather than your actual self

Try This: From Fantasy to Reality

1) Identify Your Projection Patterns

Our projections follow predictable patterns unique to our psychology. Create a “projection inventory” by reviewing past significant relationships and noticing common themes:

• What qualities do you repeatedly “see” in people you’re attracted to?
• What were you certain partners possessed that others couldn’t see or later seemed absent?
• What disappointments have repeatedly emerged in your relationships?

2) The Three-Month Reality Check

Research in relationship psychology and neurochemistry shows that intense early attraction involves dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine—compounds that create euphoria and can literally impair critical thinking. These typically begin to normalize around three months, creating what researchers call the “attachment transition” from infatuation to more realistic bonding.

If you’re in a new relationship, schedule a deliberate “reality check” around the three-month mark. Journal honestly about:

• What qualities attracted you initially?
• What evidence (not feelings) confirms or contradicts these perceptions?
• What have you learned that surprised or disappointed you?
• What might you be projecting based on past patterns?

3) The “What’s Mine?” Practice

When you find yourself having strong reactions to others (positive or negative), try this reflective practice:

1. Notice the qualities triggering your reaction
2. Ask yourself: “Where might this quality exist in me?”
3. Consider: “What need or desire might be seeking expression through this projection?”
4. Journal about how you might integrate this quality or meet this need directly

4) The “Is This Real?” Discernment

When you’re feeling powerfully drawn to someone, practice this discernment exercise:

1. Write down the specific qualities you’re attracted to in this person
2. For each quality, note concrete evidence you’ve observed (not just felt)
3. Ask trusted friends what they observe about this person
4. Notice discrepancies between your perception and others’ observations
5. Be especially cautious about qualities you’ve “always wanted” in a partner

The Liberation of Seeing Clearly

There’s wisdom in recognizing that our perception is always, to some degree, projection. As Carl Jung observed, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” To this, I would add: “Everything that you find irresistible in others can lead us to what’s missing in ourselves.”

I was deeply moved by something a client in her seventies shared after working through projection patterns that had shaped her relationships for decades. “For the first time in my life,” she told me, “I feel like I’m actually seeing the people I love, not just what I need from them or fear about them. It’s like I’ve been watching shadows on the wall and now I’m turning to see the actual people casting those shadows.”

I now ask myself regularly: “Am I relating to the actual person before me, or to my internal image of them? What’s the difference between the two?”

This question has become my compass, guiding me toward relationships defined by clarity rather than fantasy.

Secretly In Love With Ourselves

Remember that moment when I realized I’d broken my own heart? That painful awakening led me to a profound truth: we don’t just fall in love with people—we fall in love with the stories we create about them. Put simply, we all secretly fall in love with ourselves, by projecting onto others what deep down we think is missing in us.

At its core, projection reveals something both humbling and liberating. While your heart genuinely seeks connection, your mind is often busy creating projections. That’s because a part of you—your ego—is secretly in love with itself, with its own stories and fantasies. This isn’t wrong; it’s simply how the narcissistic core of the ego operates.

Projection is reflection. I’ve watched this play out in my coaching practice and my personal life. We’re drawn to people who reflect either what we can’t yet claim in ourselves (our disowned creativity, power, or wisdom) or what we don’t want to see (our unacknowledged fears or shadows)

Final Thoughts

Ultimately, the path forward isn’t about eliminating projection—it’s about bringing it into conscious awareness. When you develop a more united heart and mind, you can pause and ask: “Am I connecting with the actual person before me, or with my own projection of them?” This simple question creates space for something remarkable—the opportunity to see someone for who they truly are.

In those moments when you can say, “I see both the real you AND what I’ve projected onto you” relationships transform. Taking back your own projections is probably one of the most loving things you can do for yourself, and the ones you love. It’s also one of the fastest paths to personal and spiritual growth.

The same liberation my client in her seventies discovered—the ability to finally see her loved ones clearly — is also available to you when instead of projecting you begin to truly and wholeheartedly connect and relate to others.

Seeing others as they truly are, not as you’d like them to be, is the beginning of true love and connection.

From my heart to yours,

—Gabriel

PS. When you're ready, here are several ways I can support you on your journey.
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