“I forgive you.”

These three words can transform relationships, heal old wounds, and set you free from the prison of resentment. Yet when it comes to directing these same words toward ourselves, something mysterious happens—the key seems not to fit the lock.

As a child growing up in a Catholic home, I was taught about the importance of forgiving others who hurt me. But I never heard about forgiving yourself. My father never mentioned it. No priest included it in their sermons. No teacher explained it during religious education. I didn’t even know it was part of the spiritual process.

How do you practice self-forgiveness? Why is it so much harder than forgiving others? What happens when you don’t forgive yourself? In this week’s article, I’ll share what nearly two decades of working with clients and my own personal journey have taught me about why self-forgiveness is so challenging and the practical steps you can take to finally free yourself from the burden of self-condemnation.

Self-Forgiveness: Why Forgiving Yourself Is So Hard and How to Finally Do It

My Journey of Self-Forgiveness

For years, I wrestled with this mystery in my own life. Despite decades of spiritual practice and helping others find forgiveness, I discovered a blindspot that had been hiding in plain sight.

After moving from South Africa to Spain during a difficult life transition, I found myself unable to send regular financial support to an elderly couple I had cared for nearly twenty years. I had built them a home on my property and promised to look after them in their old age. But when economic hardship hit, and the country’s economy went bankrupt, I couldn’t maintain the support they needed.

One day, they packed their bags and left without a word. I only discovered their departure three months later.

My first response was to work through the feelings of confusion, fear, and grief. Later, the complex process of forgiving them for leaving so abruptly while trying to understand why this happened. And eventually, I did. Yet something still felt unresolved—a heaviness that followed me for nearly two years. During a profound healing ceremony, I finally understood: I had forgiven them, but I had never forgiven myself for what I perceived as failing them, breaking my promise, and not working hard enough to support them.

If you’re reading this, perhaps you recognize this pattern. You’ve tried to “move on” or “let it go,” but the guilt, shame, or self-blame follows you like a shadow. You may have even forgiven others involved in painful situations, yet still find yourself trapped in cycles of self-condemnation.

Why Forgiving Yourself Is Uniquely Challenging

Recent groundbreaking research has finally revealed why forgiving others can be challenging, but forgiving ourselves can feel nearly impossible. Through nearly two decades of guiding individuals through forgiveness work, I’ve identified five primary reasons why self-forgiveness proves so elusive:

1. Lack of Awareness

Most of us simply aren’t aware of how much self-condemnation we’re carrying. We’ve lived with our inner critic for so long that its voice has become indistinguishable from our identity. Like fish unaware of the water they swim in, we’ve normalized our self-judgment to the point of invisibility.

When I worked through forgiving the elderly couple, my focus was entirely on them and the pain I felt. It didn’t occur to me that I was also holding painful judgments against myself that needed healing. This blindspot is often our biggest obstacle—we can’t address what we don’t even recognize.

2. The 24/7 Nature of Self-Judgment

Unlike external conflicts that have natural breaks, our internal judge works around the clock without pause. As one participant in my Heart Mastery Circle expressed, “There’s no escape from your own thoughts, making self-punishment feel inescapable.” This constant exposure to our own criticism creates a unique challenge not present when forgiving others.

When someone else hurts us, we at least get periods of reprieve when we’re not in their presence. But the voice of self-condemnation follows us everywhere—into our quietest moments, our dreams, even our celebrations. This relentless quality makes self-forgiveness particularly challenging.

3. No Roadmap or Practice

Most spiritual and religious traditions emphasize forgiving others but provide little guidance on self-forgiveness. The Lord’s Prayer teaches, “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us,” but rarely do we receive specific instruction on extending that same mercy to ourselves.

I had years of experience forgiving others—from those who had betrayed me to even questioning why God allowed certain events in my life. But I had virtually no experience or training in extending that same forgiveness to myself. Without a clear roadmap or practice, we’re left navigating unfamiliar emotional territory without guidance.

4. Spiritual Bypassing and the Ego’s Resistance

There’s a hidden trap for those of us on a spiritual path. We may pride ourselves on our capacity to forgive others, seeing it as evidence of our spiritual advancement. “Look how evolved I am,” the ego whispers as we forgive someone who wronged us.

Yet this same ego fiercely resists acknowledging our own need for forgiveness. Admitting we need to forgive ourselves requires acknowledging our humanity, our limitations, and our mistakes—precisely what the ego strives to avoid.

As one client, a spiritual teacher herself, confessed: “I could teach forgiveness workshops all day, but when it came to forgiving myself for my divorce, I couldn’t do it. Somehow, I believed I should have been beyond making such mistakes.”

5. The Illusion of Total Control

A Flinders University study published in Self and Identity revealed something surprising: those who struggled most with self-forgiveness weren’t necessarily people who had done terrible things. They were often individuals with heightened senses of responsibility who believed they should have been able to control outcomes that were, in reality, beyond their influence.

This “illusion of total control” makes us hold ourselves to impossible standards. We believe we should have known better, done more, or somehow prevented painful outcomes—even when multiple factors outside our control were at play.

Professor Lydia Woodyatt, the study’s lead author, explains: “Sometimes self-condemnation, guilt, and shame arise when wrong is done to us, or in situations where we feel a heightened sense of responsibility—even if there is no way we could control the outcome.”

This explains why healthcare workers, teachers, parents, and others in caring roles frequently experience crushing guilt when they couldn’t save, fix, or protect someone they feel responsible for.

The Hidden Cost of Unforgiveness

The price of not forgiving yourself extends far beyond emotional discomfort. Research in psychoneuroimmunology shows that chronic self-condemnation activates the same stress responses as external threats, flooding your system with cortisol and adrenaline.

Over time, this creates inflammation, disrupts sleep, weakens immunity, and literally shrinks the prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain responsible for wisdom, perspective, and emotional regulation. The longer you carry unforgiven aspects of yourself, the less equipped you become to make clear decisions and respond wisely to life’s challenges.

This understanding is not new. Traditional Chinese Medicine has long recognized the connection between unexpressed emotions and physical illness. In this system, specific emotions are linked to particular organs: grief and sadness affect the lungs, anger impacts the liver, fear influences the kidneys, and shame and guilt burden the heart. When these emotions remain unprocessed and unforgiven, they can manifest as physical ailments – from respiratory issues and cardiovascular disease to immune disorders and even cancer.

Maria, a successful executive I worked with, had been experiencing unexplainable dizziness for months. Medical tests showed nothing abnormal. During our work together, she uncovered deep guilt about not being present when her mother died. After working through the forgiveness process I’ll share below, her physical symptoms began to subside.

“The day after I truly let myself feel the grief and forgive my judgments against myself,” she told me, “the room stopped spinning. I realized my body had been carrying what my heart couldn’t face.”

Why Traditional Approaches Fall Short

Most approaches to forgiveness focus primarily on cognitive processes: challenging negative thoughts, reframing the situation, or simply deciding to “let it go.” While these techniques can be helpful, they often miss the deeper patterns that keep us stuck.

The Flinders University research revealed why purely mental approaches frequently fail. For people trapped in self-condemnation, the original experience remains emotionally vivid and immediate, regardless of how much time has passed. Telling someone in this state to “just forgive yourself” is like telling someone with a broken leg to “just walk normally.” Let that sink in.

Jesus demonstrated a profound understanding of this when recognized that true forgiveness requires more than words—it requires a transformation of how we relate to ourselves and others. His teachings emphasize that, ultimately, all forgiveness is self-forgiveness.

The Seven-Stage Journey of Self-Forgiveness

If you’ve recognized yourself in any of the challenges described above and are ready to begin the journey of self-forgiveness, it helps to understand the territory ahead. Through years of observing clients move through this process, I’ve identified seven distinct stages most people experience:

Stage 1: Unawareness – Initially, we don’t even recognize that we’re holding unforgiveness toward ourselves. Our focus remains on others’ actions or external circumstances, while self-judgment operates beneath our conscious awareness.

Stage 2: Resistance – Once we become aware of our self-condemnation, we often resist the very idea of self-forgiveness. We may believe our self-punishment serves some purpose or that we don’t deserve forgiveness. As a result, many of us spend a lifetime punishing ourselves for something we did.

Stage 3: Courage – This stage marks a significant turning point where we find the courage to honestly face what happened and how we truly feel about it. We begin to tell ourselves the truth about our experience without minimizing or exaggerating it.

Stage 4: Neutrality – From this place of honest acknowledgment, we reach a state of surrender where the intense charge of self-blame diminishes, creating space for something new to emerge. We let go of our need to control the narrative and the need to continue to blame or punish ourselves.

Stage 5: Acceptance – Through surrender, we begin to accept what happened without the overlay of harsh judgment. We acknowledge our humanity, our limitations, and the complex circumstances that influenced our choices.

Stage 6: Gratitude – As acceptance deepens, the willingness to see things differently emerges. We start recognizing the growth and wisdom gained through our struggles. Gratitude begins to emerge. Not gratitude for the painful event itself, but for the lessons learned and how it shaped our evolution.

Stage 7: Peace – Finally, we experience a profound peace that comes not from erasing the past but from transforming our relationship with it. We see how even our mistakes served a purpose in our development.

Understanding these stages helps normalize the ups and downs of the forgiveness process. You may move back and forth between stages or experience them in slightly different ways. The journey isn’t linear, but knowing the territory helps you navigate it with greater compassion.

A Proven Path to Self-Forgiveness

If you’re ready to take concrete steps toward self-forgiveness, I’d like to share a methodology I’ve developed through my work with hundreds of individuals that integrates both ancient wisdom and modern neuroscience. This approach doesn’t just address thoughts but works with the deeper emotional and spiritual dimensions where unforgiveness resides.

Step 1: Acknowledge Your Hidden Judgments

The first step is becoming aware of the specific judgments you’re holding against yourself. Rather than focusing only on the action or situation you need to forgive, identify the beliefs and condemnations you’ve attached to it.

For example, James, a business leader who lost his company during the pandemic, initially told me, “I need to forgive myself for failing my employees.” But when we explored deeper, he discovered the real judgments: “I’m judging myself as incompetent, as a failure, as someone who doesn’t deserve success again.”

Try this exercise: Write down the situation you’re struggling to forgive yourself for. Then write, “I judge myself as…” and complete the sentence with all the judgments that arise. You might be surprised by what emerges.

Step 2: Feel the Impact of These Judgments

Many forgiveness approaches try to bypass the emotions associated with self-condemnation. But research shows that acknowledging and experiencing these feelings is essential for genuine release.

Allow yourself to feel the weight of carrying these judgments. Where do you feel them in your body? What emotions arise? Don’t rush this step—giving yourself permission to fully experience these feelings often brings unexpected relief.

When Sarah, a mother who blamed herself for her teenage son’s addiction, finally allowed herself to feel the grief and shame she’d been carrying, she sobbed deeply for the first time in years. “I’d been so busy trying to fix everything that I never let myself actually feel the pain,” she shared afterward. “Feeling it was the beginning of letting it go.”

Step 3: Forgive Your Judgments, Not Just Your Actions

This is the crucial shift that makes this approach so effective. Instead of saying, “I forgive myself for failing,” which still subtly reinforces the idea that you failed, focus on forgiving the judgments you’ve identified:

• “I forgive myself for judging myself as incompetent.”
• “I forgive myself for condemning myself for not being perfect.”
• “I forgive myself for blaming myself for something beyond my control.”

This subtle shift addresses the root cause of suffering—not what happened, but how you’ve been treating yourself about what happened.

As you work through each judgment, breathe deeply and imagine releasing it. Some people find it helpful to visualize each judgment being dissolved in light or washed away by water.

Step 4: Connect with Compassion and Truth

Now, connect with a deeper truth about yourself and the situation. This step integrates both spiritual wisdom and psychological insight.

From a spiritual perspective, remember that your worth is inherent, not earned—a fundamental teaching across traditions. As Jesus taught, you are loved not for what you do but for who you are as a child of God.

From a psychological perspective, acknowledge the context and limitations you were operating under at the time. What were you trying to protect? What didn’t you know then that you know now?

Michael, a physician who blamed himself for a patient’s suicide, realized: “I was doing the best I could with the information and resources available to me at that moment. I would never judge a colleague as harshly as I’ve judged myself.”

Step 5: Take Meaningful Action

True self-forgiveness isn’t just an internal process—it expresses itself through action. This doesn’t necessarily mean making amends (though that may be appropriate in some situations), but rather taking steps that honor what you’ve learned.

This might include:

• Journaling about past experiences and how you feel about yourself
• Engaging in practices that nurture your emotional and spiritual health
• Using your experience to support others facing similar challenges
• Implementing systems that support better choices in similar future situations

One client who forgave herself for prioritizing her career over family relationships didn’t quit her job. Instead, she created non-negotiable family time in her calendar and became more fully present during those hours. This action honored both her need to work and her value of connection.

What Self-Forgiveness Makes Possible

When I finally began the process of forgiving myself for what happened with the elderly couple, something profound shifted. The weight I’d been carrying lifted, and I could think about the situation without being overwhelmed by guilt and shame.

I realized I had done my best given the circumstances. I acknowledged the economic realities that made consistent support impossible, and I honored the love and care I had provided for nearly two decades before things changed. I felt a deep sense of gratitude for having them in my life, and for the many moments of connection, laughter and joy that we shared.

This shift wasn’t just emotional; it was physical. My sleep improved. The tension I’d been carrying in my shoulders released. I found myself able to be more present with my current clients and community, no longer partially trapped in past regrets.

The research confirms these experiences. People who practice self-forgiveness report:

• Greater emotional resilience
• Improved relationships
• Enhanced creativity and problem-solving
• Increased capacity to be present
• Deeper spiritual connection

As Jesus taught, “The truth shall set you free.” The truth is that you are human, imperfect and flawed, learning and growing. When you embrace this truth through self-forgiveness, you experience a freedom that transforms not just your relationship with yourself, but with everyone around you.

Final Thoughts

The question isn’t whether you deserve forgiveness—it’s whether you’re ready to stop carrying the burden of self-condemnation. Are you willing to begin this journey of self-forgiveness today?

If you’re carrying the weight of unforgiveness toward yourself, I invite you to pause and reflect: What situation in your life are you still blaming yourself for? Where have you been consciously or unconsciously punishing yourself? Can you identify the judgments you’ve been holding against yourself all this time?

Forgiveness is not a destination but an ongoing practice: we keep forgiving until there’s nothing left to forgive. Some days will be easier than others. The goal isn’t to eliminate all negative feelings, but to transform your relationship with them so they no longer control your life. As you do, the past is recontextualized and you make peace with it.

For those who feel called to deepen this work in a supportive community, I invite you to join our Heart Mastery Circle. This ongoing group coaching program provides a safe space where you can continue your emotional healing journey alongside others committed to heart-centered living. Together, we explore these practices in greater depth, with regular guidance, coaching, and a community that understands the courage it takes to forgive ourselves fully.

Forgiving yourself isn’t a sign of weakness or complacency, but the most profound act of courage and self-love you will ever undertake.

From my heart to yours,

—Gabriel

PS. When you're ready, here are several ways I can support you on your journey.
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