Have you ever found yourself completely drained after helping someone? Maybe you’ve spent hours counseling a friend through a crisis only to feel hollow afterward. Or perhaps you’ve noticed how your desire to ease others’ suffering sometimes leaves you unable to function in your own life.

This isn’t just ordinary fatigue. What you’re experiencing might be what I’ve come to call “suicidal empathy” – a pattern where our natural compassion becomes self-destructive.

This term has recently gained attention in social and political discourse, where it’s used to describe policies and attitudes that prioritize others’ needs to the point of self-harm. You might have seen it in debates about immigration, social welfare, or community safety. While it originated outside traditional psychology, I’ve found it perfectly captures a pattern I see in my coaching practice: when our empathy becomes so extreme it actually harms both ourselves and those we’re trying to help.

Suicidal Empathy: How to Take Care of Others Without Destroying Yourself in the Process

What Is Suicidal Empathy?

Suicidal empathy occurs when our desire to help others begins to harm us. It’s when we repeatedly override our own needs, boundaries, and wellbeing in service of alleviating another person’s pain.

The term “suicidal empathy” first gained attention in social commentary when describing policies that prioritize others’ immediate needs without considering long-term consequences for all involved. For example, some argue that certain immigration policies, while compassionate toward newcomers, may strain local resources in ways that ultimately harm both citizens and immigrants alike.

Similarly, some approaches to public safety focus so intently on empathy for offenders that they may inadvertently compromise community wellbeing. In economic policy, programs designed to help vulnerable populations sometimes create dependency rather than pathways to independence.

When Helping Others Costs You Dearly

I first recognized this pattern during a particularly intense period of my coaching practice. A client was going through a devastating divorce, and I found myself thinking about her situation constantly. I extended our sessions, answered late-night texts, and carried her emotional burden as if it were my own. Within weeks, my sleep deteriorated, my creativity vanished, and my own relationships suffered.

In my attempt to help her, I was actually diminishing my capacity to serve everyone else in my life!

This was my first encounter with compassion fatigue – a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that develops when we’re continuously exposed to others’ suffering. Compassion fatigue is often a warning sign that we’re approaching the danger zone of suicidal empathy.

The Empathy Spectrum: From Healthy to Harmful

Not all empathy is created equal. Understanding the spectrum can help you identify where your compassionate impulses may be sliding into dangerous territory.

Healthy Empathy allows you to understand another’s experience while maintaining your separate identity. You can feel with someone without becoming lost in their emotions. This form of empathy actually energizes you and strengthens connection.

Emotional Contagion happens when you unconsciously absorb others’ emotional states. Think about walking into a room where tension is high—suddenly you feel tense too, though nothing has happened to you directly.

Empathic Concern involves genuine care for another’s wellbeing and a desire to help, but still maintains healthy boundaries.

Empathic Distress occurs when you not only understand someone’s suffering but begin to experience it as your own. Your nervous system responds as if the threat or pain were happening to you directly.

Compassion Fatigue develops when empathic distress becomes chronic. This state of emotional, physical, and spiritual depletion is common among helping professionals but can affect anyone who cares deeply for others.

Suicidal Empathy sits at the extreme end—where you repeatedly sacrifice your wellbeing, resources, and boundaries to alleviate others’ suffering, ultimately harming yourself and often enabling dependency in those you want to help.

The difference between healthy and harmful empathy isn’t about caring less—it’s about caring more effectively. When we understand this spectrum, we can catch ourselves before sliding from connection into unhealthy absorption.

How to Recognize Suicidal Empathy in Your Life

Suicidal empathy often disguises itself as virtue. Here’s how it might be showing up for you:

1. You consistently put others’ needs before your basic self-care
2. You feel responsible for fixing other people’s problems
3. You experience physical symptoms after empathic interactions (exhaustion, headaches, tension)
4. You feel resentful yet struggle to establish boundaries
5. Your sense of purpose has become entangled with saving others
6. You find yourself thinking about others’ problems during your personal time
7. You feel anxious and purposeless when you’re not available to help
8. People in your life have come to expect your constant availability

If any of the above resonate, ask yourself: “Am I serving from my overflow or from my reserves?” Your honest answer reveals whether you’re practicing sustainable compassion or suicidal empathy.

The Hidden Cost of Caring Too Much

The personal cost of suicidal empathy extends beyond momentary exhaustion. Research shows that helpers who don’t maintain boundaries face increased risks of burnout, depression, and compromised immune function.

But there’s a deeper cost too – one that affects both you and those you’re trying to help.

When I was over-functioning for my struggling client, I unwittingly reinforced her belief that she couldn’t handle her challenges. My extreme empathy was actually undermining her opportunity to develop resilience.

Let that sink in for a moment.

The research supports this. A 2021 study found that excessive emotional support can sometimes delay recovery from trauma by preventing the development of healthy coping mechanisms. Basically, doing others’ pushups keeps them from growing strong.

Here’s why this matters: true service, when it flows from the heart, empowers others rather than enabling dependency. When we sacrifice our wellbeing in the name of helping, we often deny or delay others’ capacity for facing their own growth opportunities.

The Brain’s Role in Boundary Dissolution

When we witness someone in pain, our mirror neurons create a simulation of their experience in our own minds. Under stress or fatigue, our prefrontal cortex—which normally helps distinguish between self and other—becomes less effective at maintaining boundaries.

Interestingly, research shows that experienced meditation practitioners maintain greater neural distinction between self and other during empathic responses, suggesting mindfulness practices may help us remain compassionate without absorbing others’ pain.

Suicidal Empathy in Different Domains

Suicidal empathy shows up across various areas of life:

In personal relationships: Constantly rescuing family members or friends from the natural consequences of their choices.

In professional settings: Taking on others’ workloads or emotional burdens without reciprocal support systems.

In leadership roles: Trying to shield team members from all discomfort, preventing their professional growth.

In healing professions: Believing you must solve every client’s problem, leading to boundary violations and burnout.

In activism: Becoming so consumed by social causes that you neglect your fundamental needs, ultimately reducing your long-term impact.

In parenting: Protecting children from all struggle, potentially hampering their development of resilience and problem-solving skills.

In community service: Giving beyond your means until you have nothing left to give, ultimately serving fewer people than if you’d paced yourself.

In immigration policy: Accommodating newcomers to the extent that local customs and culture are diminished, creating division rather than integration—ultimately serving neither group’s long-term wellbeing.

What Wisdom Traditions Have To Say

Ancient wisdom traditions have long addressed this challenge. Buddhist teachings distinguish between compassion (karuna) and empathic distress, emphasizing equanimity. The yogic principle of ahimsa (non-harming) applies to ourselves as much as to others.

The Taoist concept of wu-wei reminds us that sometimes non-action is the most powerful response—allowing natural processes to unfold without force or interference.

Indigenous wisdom traditions often emphasize the interconnectedness of all beings while still honoring individual paths and journeys. This perspective helps us understand that true support sometimes means stepping back and trusting another’s process.

Even airline safety briefings capture this wisdom perfectly: “Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.” This isn’t selfish – it’s the prerequisite for effective service.

Finding the Middle Path

A client once shared how her desire to help her adult son had created a pattern of financial dependency that lasted decades. “I thought I was being loving,” she told me, “but I was actually showing him I didn’t believe in his capabilities.”

Another client—a dedicated teacher—found herself answering student emails at all hours, sacrificing sleep and family time. When she finally established email boundaries, not only did her wellbeing improve, but her students became more self-sufficient and thoughtful in their communications.

These stories reveal a counterintuitive truth: sometimes our constant availability and sacrifice create the very dependency we’re trying to alleviate.

The solution isn’t to stop caring for those we love or feel responsible for. Rather, it’s to care for others in a more conscious, compassionate way that factors our own wellbeing.

From Suicidal Empathy to Sustainable Compassion

Try this: Next time you feel pulled to rescue someone, pause and take three deep breaths. Ask yourself, “What does this person need right now? What is the most loving and compassionate thing I can do for them and myself in this situation?”

Here are practical steps to move from suicidal empathy toward sustainable compassion:

1. Establish clear boundaries. Decide in advance when you’re available and how you’ll help. Communicate these limits kindly but firmly.
2. Practice compassionate detachment. Care deeply about others without taking responsibility for their emotions or outcomes.
3. Develop body awareness. Notice physical sensations that signal you’re absorbing others’ distress, like tension in your shoulders or a tight chest.
4. Create restoration rituals. After emotionally demanding interactions, engage in self-care activities that replenish your energy.
5. Cultivate a support network. Ensure you have people who can hold space for you as you do for others.
6. Remember the larger truth. Each person’s journey includes challenges that develop their strength and wisdom. Stepping in too quickly can interfere with this natural growth process.
7. Distinguish helping from rescuing. Helping offers support while honoring the other’s agency; rescuing assumes they can’t manage without you.
8. Practice mindful empathy. Stay aware of the distinction between understanding someone’s feelings and taking them on as your own.
9. Recognize the gift of struggle. Sometimes the most compassionate act is allowing someone to work through their own challenges.
10. Surrender others through prayer. When unable to help someone, simply say, ‘Dear God, please bless this person.’

The Empathy Paradox: When Less Becomes More

One of the most powerful insights about suicidal empathy comes from what I call “the empathy paradox”—the counterintuitive truth that sometimes doing less for others allows them to grow more.

I witnessed this firsthand with a client who was struggling with anxiety. Initially, I made myself available whenever panic struck, believing I was providing essential support. But a surprising thing happened when I gently established more structured boundaries—her coping skills improved dramatically. The space between our sessions became fertile ground for her own resilience to develop.

Research in developmental psychology supports this paradox. Studies show that children develop greater competence and confidence when they’re allowed appropriate struggles within a supportive environment. The key phrase here is “appropriate struggles”—challenges that stretch but don’t overwhelm them.

The same principle applies across all relationships. When we rush in to remove all obstacles from someone’s path, we may inadvertently communicate a lack of faith in their capabilities. Our excessive help can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, creating the very helplessness we fear.

Three Questions for Reflection

Take a moment to check with your heart’s deeper knowing:

• In which relationships or areas of your life are you giving too much at the expense of your own wellbeing? Notice the situations where you feel drained rather than energized after helping.
• What specific self-care practices would help you maintain your boundaries while still being compassionate? Consider what nourishes you physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
• If you stepped back slightly and allowed someone you’re helping to face their own challenges, what might that person learn or develop that your over-functioning prevents?

Final Thoughts

True empowerment comes not from doing things for others, but from creating the right conditions where they can discover their own strength. As Heart Leaders, our job isn’t to create dependent followers but to empower others to lead themselves.

As the ancient Chinese proverb suggests: “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.” Sometimes the most compassionate act is teaching someone to fish—even when it would be easier to simply hand them yours.

Being Self-ish—caring for yourself first—isn’t selfish at all. In the words of author Parker J. Palmer, “Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift you have, the gift you were put on earth to offer others.”

You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself. If you find yourself consistently depleted by your empathy, consider that you may be called to a more conscious and sustainable form of compassion – one that allows you to make a lasting difference without sacrificing your wellbeing in the process.

From my heart to yours,

—Gabriel

PS. When you're ready, here are several ways I can support you on your journey.
PPS. One last thing… If someone shared this newsletter with you, you can always subscribe to the newsletter here.